Not jumping to conclusions, but…

Last night I cycled out to Winchester to see the really rather great Buddy Wakefield performing. For once I had a cycling buddy so the 30 mile round trip passed pretty quickly, even taking into account our hill top stop on the way home to take in the view of moonlit mist filling the valleys. Twas beautiful, I love cycling at night.

This morning I got back on my trusty velocipede to cycle the 40 odd miles to Reading to catch the marvelous, and marvelously French, Michäel Vidon (Gulliver) and his lovely poetry students performing a a showcase at the end of their course, with Steve (also marvelous) Larkin headlining.

So that’ll be about 75 miles in two days – less than what I’ll be doing most days on the tour, and I’ve got to say, I’m absolutely knackered.

10 miles into my journey today I already knew I was in trouble. Normally gentle inclines were suddenly bottom gear cranking, heavy breathing epics, and my legs, oh man my legs, they were nowhere.

Eventually I very slowly arrived at my folks place, very sweaty, and very tired, terrified at the thought that I’ll have to do twice that distance and more for ten days in a row.

It dawned on me this morning that I’m not at all fit enough at the moment to do the tour.

When I commited myself to doing the tour, it was summer, I’d been gadding about on my bike all over the place and generally cycling was a merry lark. Then the summer somehow became winter, and I lost the will to cycle. I also picked up a stinker of a cold that slipped kryptonite into my superman underwear and I still can’t get the last few chunks of green stuff out.

At least I think it’s kryptonite.

Those are some rational reasons for my sudden lack of fitness, but pffft, what’s rationalism ever done for us heh?

I’m not one to jump to conclusions, but after weighing up the evidence, looking at it from all angles, until only the least likely reason remains.

I’m pretty sure someone’s stolen my legs.

To be fair to the limb loving larcenous scallywags, they did replace them with some pretty good replicas, on the surface at least. But the hills and the hips don’t lie. THESE ARE NOT MY LEGS!

To try and get them back, I’ll be putting out a reward. If it pains you to see me in this state, you’re welcome to contribute to said reward by clicking in the sponsor me button below. I know it looks like you’ll be sponsoring me for my tour and therefore contributing to one of two (or both) great charities but trust me,  anything you contribute will be going directly towards  getting my legs back.

badge9In the meantime, and just in case I don’t get enough ‘reward’, I’ll just have to keep getting on my bike and trying to whip these imposter legs into some kind of shape before I really need them.

So when’s the next poetry gig?





I’ve not decided to cancel the silly cycling idea and go by bus, although that is mightily tempting.

Nope, it’s just that after having to wait ages to confirm another venue, well, more than one venue has just jumped onto the confirmed list, and that’s well, that’s like buses, where you wait for a bus for what seems like ages, and then more than one bus turns up. Which is a bit like what’s just happened with my venues.

So, buses, like venues innit.

Bristol! Very happy to report that after performing at the Art House Cafe in Southampton on the 22nd,  I’ll be performing at the Arts House Cafe in Bristol on the 23rd. Spooky hey. I should have called it the Art Houses tour.

Birmingham! On Wed the 25th I’ll be heading into Brum and performing at the Urban Coffee Company – Church Street you can come worship at the altar of poetry!

London! Alright, this one’s not entirely 100% confirmed but it’s about 99.9999% confirmed and I’m in the mood for updating so here it is! On Sunday the 1st of March I’m hitting the big smoke and performing at The Oxford in Kentish Town, just over the road from my London charity. It looks well posh. Should be good!

I’ve got a few more venues on the cusp of being confirmed so watch this space… and while you’re watching, you could try clicking my sponsor me button and seeing what happens 🙂